“Dating Gone Bad” by Dana Stenholtz

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Welcome back to ChinDeep Dana!

I woke up the other night with the 8th line going through my head, complete with
the correct tune. And people wonder why I don’t get much sleep.

While the following is loosely styled to the tune of “Little Drummer Boy,”
please do not attempt to sing it. It won’t work. Trust me, I know. Do I need to
say this is NOT based on actual events? It’s not. Most of it….

Goin’ out tonight (pa rum pum pum pum)
A brand new guy to date (pa rum pum pum pum)
The finest one on Bing (pa rum pum pum pum)
To maybe be my fling (pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum)

So to reel him in (pa rum pum pum pum)
After din-din….

Charming Hottie (pa rum pum pum pum)
I’ll shave my legs for you (pa rum pum pum pum)
I waxed and buffed all ‘round (pa rum pum pum pum)
Plucked eyebrows, dyed my hair (pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum
pum)

Leave-in conditioner (pa rum pum pum pum)
Hair so touchably soft (pa rum pum pum pum)
Curled my lashes tight,
Painted my toenails bright,
Made sure my teeth are white (pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum
pum)

Shall I steal a kiss (pa rum pum pum pum)
With my unnaturally glossy, plumped up lips that have been stained so the color
won’t come off for 12 hours?
(pa rum pum pum pum)
My cute date nodded (pa rum pum pum pum)
He liked what he saw (pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum)

My girdle makes it hard to breathe (pa. rum. pum. pum. puhhm!)
My six-inch spikes are killing me (pa rum pum pum pum)
But when his eyes lit up (pa rum pum pum pum)
I didn’t care that my spray-on tan was reacting with my 400-dollar perfume and
leaving a rash
(pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum)

He walked me to the door (pa rrrrumba pum pum)
I asked him in for drinks (pa rum pum pum pum)
He wanted Scotch on the rocks (pa rum pum pum pum)
All I had was Cranberry Coolers (pa rum pum pum DUMB)
The light did leave his eyes (pa rum pum pum pum)
“I can’t drink that,” he said (pa rum pum pum pum)
“But… but… but,” I stuttered (p-p-pa rum pum pum pum)
“My legs are soft as a baby’s bum!” (pa rum…)
“My eyebrows are arched in a perpetual question…” (pum…)
“My gums are bleeding from the whitening strips…” (pum…)
“If you don’t take my girdle off soon I’m going to faint…” (PUM!!)

My mascara bled black (pa rum pum pum pum)
The rash was getting worse (pa rum pum pum pum)
He walked right out the door (pa rum pum pum pum)
I kicked my heels off and one of them crashed through the closed window and fell
three stories down
(pa ru— oh, who cares?)
I unhooked, unzipped, tore off and took a deep breath (ahhh, pahhh ruhhhhmmmm)
Cracked open a Cooler and slammed that sucker down (pa rum pum pum YUM!)
Three bottles later, after only eating a salad at the overpriced restaurant and
wishing I’d gotten the steak
(pa rum pum pum pum)
I felt a little dizzy (pa rummy pummy pumpum)
Went to the broken window to see if I could find my shoe (pa rummpa pummpa
rummity rooo)
Saw hot guy from Bing lying on the sidewalk (pa rum pum pum – Huh?!)
My stiletto Manolo Blahnik imbedded in his skull
(pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum D’oh!!)

“This isn’t turning out like I expected,” (pa rum pum pum pum)
My date is dead and one of my 800-dollar shoes is the weapon (pa rum pum pum
pum)
I called an ambulance (pa rum pum pum pum)
Changed into my plaid flannel nightie and fuzzy slippers (pa rum pum pum pum)
Went down to the scene of the crime (pa rum pum pum pum)
Wond’ring if I’d have to do time (pa rum pum pum Bummer!)

“You can’t blame me,” (pa rum pum pum pum)
Would be my argument (pa rum pum pum pum)
“I was just trying to impress the man,” (pa rum pum pum pum)
“The whole thing was a sham,” (pa rum pum pum pum)
“He was expecting me to be so glam! (pa rum pum pum pum)

The cop looked me up and down (pa rum pum pum pum)
There in my grandma gown (pa rum pum pum pum)
He smirked and wrote on his notes (pa rum pum pum pum)
“Clearly a case of mistaken identity” (pa rum pum pum… hmmm.)

“Why is that?” I asked (pa rum pum pum pum)
His smirk turned into a frown (pa rum pum pum pum)
“One look at you and this guy would’ve run!” (pa rum pum pum Scum!)
“Go back to your pint of Rocky Road and Romantic Comedy DVD and curl up on the
couch with the cat,”
(pa rum pum pum pum)

Best advice I’ve gotten all my life.
Now I dance to my OWN drum!
(pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum!)

~Dana Stenholtz

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